A report in the spirit of the Onion
Today, in a dramatic shift in policy, the National Capital Commission (NCC) in Ottawa has decided to ban all bicycle commuters from the recreational paths in the National Capital Region.
"It was inevitable", according to an NCC spokesperson.
"We had to make safety and the recreational enjoyment of these paths our first priority. These paths are for the enjoyment for all Canadians, not for the exclusive use of National Capital residents."
"While we realize that there are benefits to cycling to work, our mandate is to serve the larger interests of Canadians. When visiting Ottawa, Canadians expect to see these paths free from hazards so they wander freely and unpredictably with their strollers, dogs, and free-range children. Besides, residents should be satisfied with the other benefits of living in the National Capital Region, such as having a job."
There are other reasons why the paths are being banned to bicycle commuters:
"We have to consider the Canada geese. Their numbers have proliferated and raise the possibility of injury (to the geese)." Apparently, the Canada geese situation is out of control, due to the choice of many geese to raise their goslings on the path.
"The spectre of a gosling being injured by a commuter could have a dramatic toll on Ottawa's image as a nature-friendly city. We simply can't tolerate the possibility of injury (to a gosling) and its effect on our reputation as a tourist destination."
When asked how the NCC plans to enforce the bicycle commuter ban, they described several measures they will be implementing:
First, at key points along the path, 3-metre high fences will be erected with holes large enough for geese to pass through but too small for bicycles. When asked about the possibility of small children passing through, we were informed that this is a parental responsibility. If an incident of this nature occurs, the appropriate authorities will be notified.
Second, an enforcement regime will be implemented. Officers will patrol the segments of the path (occupying a car idling in the bushes) and fine all cyclists on the paths travelling over the speed of 10km/h, wearing a helmet, or carrying a pannier or backpack weighing over 3kg. The fine will be $133 - the equivalent of a week's worth of gas commuting from Stittsville.
As for alternatives for the bicycle commuters, this advice was offered, " Get a car, it will be cheaper in the long run".
If you live downtown, "rent a Bixi, but don't go further than the Canadian War Museum."
If you are a hardcore commuter, "be comfortable with four lanes of traffic, mind the potholes, sideview mirrors, and drivers using their iPhones. Always remember it is the cyclist who loses big time."
